


An Experiment

by WitchyBee



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, F/M, Heavy Angst, Internalized Acephobia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-08 22:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchyBee/pseuds/WitchyBee
Summary: It starts, like everything else, because Jon needs to know.





	An Experiment

It's an experiment, Jon tells himself.

The same faulty rationale he'd used back in university, in fact, when the most overwhelming things in his life were looming exams and his rapidly declining relationship with Georgie, but they had felt no less insurmountable at the time.

The first time he sees Georgie naked, he can't help but notice the thin white scars on her thighs and, perhaps because he always had more curiosity than tact, or perhaps subconsciously wanting to avoid a different awkward conversation, Jon asks about them.

"I had a rough time for a while, before we met," she explains. "Just...needed to feel something, I guess. Let's leave it at that, all right?"

The subject is dropped, and the moment thoroughly ruined, much to Jon's inexplicable relief. They spend the rest of the evening cuddled up together on the sofa watching a documentary.

But he cannot stop wondering. What, he can't say. If it really works like that, maybe. He needs to know how it feels. The rush of endorphins. Sharp pain slicing through all else, temporarily eclipsing the vague sense of constant dread he just sort of assumes everyone else in their early twenties learns to live with, too.

So one sleepless night, his dreams haunted by the dark visage of Mr Spider, Jon finally decides to test his hypothesis. He lights a cigarette. Then, heart racing, he presses the cigarette's glowing tip to his wrist and lets the heat burn his skin.

It hurts. Obviously. His lighter falls to the floor. There is nothing at all in Jon's mind but pain, like static, and then as it dulls he feels a strangely pleasant calmness wash over him.

Not a good sign, he notes distantly.

He tries not to make a habit of it (because that went so well when he started smoking.) Still, he is careful, or tries to be, because he worries about upsetting Georgie. Worries about scarring.

Oh, the irony.

Things fall apart with Georgie for several reasons, all of which are Jon's fault, he knows. He's difficult to live with and probably even harder to love. He is stubborn, and indescribably broken, and far too caught up in his own head to consider other people.

There are a lot of arguments toward the end. Mostly over stupid things like ghost hunting shows or what brand of food is best for the Admiral. Eventually though the anger runs dry, and there's just sadness and a choice to make, so Jon does.

"Take care of yourself," Georgie says tearfully. "Don't disappear, okay?"

He won't see her again for years.

After his grandmother's death, Jon resolves to quit smoking. It isn't easy, but he quietly hopes that giving up one self-destructive behavior will lessen his temptation to engage in others. It almost does. He just starts burying himself in work instead. A strategy which might have been a little too effective, he thinks, when Elias offers him the head archivist job, a promotion he is, frankly, not qualified for at all, but accepts nonetheless.

 

* * *

 

So, it's an experiment.

After all, if he is going to cut off a finger, he first needs to be certain he's still human enough to bleed.

That's all it is, Jon tells himself. It has nothing to do with the fact that he's just woken up from six months ~~dead~~  in a coma and his body doesn't feel like it belongs to him anymore. It has absolutely nothing at all to do with how numb he feels. Or that he's a monster, some hollowed out conduit for the Eye. Or that he's utterly alone because everyone he knows is either dead or wishes Jon had stayed dead, and all he ever does is hurt people, even when he's asleep, so they're right to--

It's an experiment. Just another scar.

Jon takes a steadying breath, and draws the knife across a part of his arm that isn't already mottled with worm scars. It stings worse than he remembers. But it also feels...

Well, it feels. It is something. Something that isn't fear, guilt, uncertainty, hopelessness, or the crushing burden of knowledge threatening to overtake his mind. It's just pain, and he has become quite accustomed to pain by now.

Jon is so distracted that he almost fails to notice the lack of blood. He glances at his arm and--

There is no blood because there is no wound. The skin is completely unmarred. Not a good sign. He tries once more, just to be certain, and watches this time as, sure enough, the cut mends itself right in front of his eyes.

This will...complicate things. Maybe if he's fast enough...

It has to work. It has to. He will save Daisy, anchor or no. What else is the Archivist good for?

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @podcastenthusiast.


End file.
